How To Fix Your Life;

Do you have a broken life? Do you suffer from these symptoms: severe giant tearductitis, big pendulum moodswings, the development of idiosyncratic habits such as consigning one’s mobile telephone to a box for several days, becoming an Amazon addict and constructing a miniature city with collected piles of DVDs and books, loss of the ability to enjoy silence or sleep without Kermode & Mayo podcasts?

If any of this sounds familiar, then something in your life is broken. Maybe it’s the carburettor, or the defibrillator, or the thingamabob, but whatever it is, fear not! Just follow these 11 simple steps for a new, shiny, fully-operating life! Grab your screwdriver and your hardhat and let’s get going!

1. Surround yourself with sundry and diverse people who have the power to make you laugh even on the gloomiest of Sundays and whom you trust completely. These angels are also known as friends.
2. Let go of the Harry Potter Anger & Resentment, even if you have a right to feel it. Sure, it will make you say things which are true and cathartic, but saying these things is like taking a sledgehammer to your life. Peace and love, guys.
3. Even if you don’t believe in signs, believe in the hope they offer. Hope can be dangerous, but we’d all be screwed without it.
4. Dreams be wise creatures. Pay attention to them and consult their meaning.
5. Realise that the True Meaning of pride & dignity is not keeping face but shedding off conceits and breaking down walls and generally looking like a bit of a twat. 
6. Patience, grasshopper.
7. Allow yourself to wallow. Take a trip down to the metaphorical sewers and wade around for a while until you are completely inundated by excremental thought. Remember that there is a thin line between keeping it together/coping and bottling it up. Unless you wish to re-enact Bart Simpson's Duff Beer April Fool's Joke, that is.
8. Take your own accusations and alchemize them into wisdom. Realise that just because you don’t regret saying or doing something (YAY!) does not mean those words/actions had no part to play in the demolition (BOO!). Drag your ass out of its crater in that Self-Pitying Deluxe La-Z-Boy and graciously accept the full brunt of responsibility.
9. Figure out what all the convoluted word-smithing and explanations boil down to. What is it that you really want? Say that, and nothing else, because none of it matters anymore.
10. Have the following phone call conversation: YOU: I’m sorry for being a melodramatic psycho. FRIEND: No no no, I’m sorry for being a communicatively inconsistent asshat.
11. Lie back and marvel at the peace and serenity and warm-fuzzy-contentedness that now falls across the horizon of your life. It is fixed, and it is wonderful. 

Note: may take up to *counts on fingers* (3 years and) 17 months for results to show, but just know that it’s worth it :).

Warm-fuzzy-contentedness... minus the proposal!

Peace 'n jam guys